Why Am I the One?
by KaramelKarma
Summary: (Title and quote at the beginning from the song "Why Am I the One" by Fun.) Post TATM. The universe is a big, huge, wonderful, beautiful place. But it's also horribly unfair, and no one knows it better than the Doctor. River/11


**So, this is my second story lightly based on a Fun. song... Is this my "thing" now? I have no idea. Those songs just remind me of DW for some reason. Anywho, hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Doctor Who, it turns out, and I do not own the song Why Am I the One either.**

* * *

_I finished kissing my death_  
_So now I head back up the steps_  
_Thinking about where I've been_  
_I mean the sun was never like this_  
_I want to feel with the seasons_  
_I guess it makes sense, 'cause my life's become as vapid as_  
_A night out in Los Angeles_  
_And I just want to stay in bed_

_And hold you like I used to_  
_You know that I am home_  
_So darling if you love me_  
_Would you let me know?_

_Or go on, go on, go on_  
_If you are thinking that the worst is yet to come_  
_Why am I the one always packing up my stuff?_  
_For once, for once, for once_  
_I get the feeling that I'm right where I belong_  
_Why am I the one always packing up my stuff?_

* * *

The Doctor ran his hands through his hair, fighting back tears. Even though River was there, faithfully piloting his ship as far from Manhattan as possible, the TARDIS still felt horribly empty. The Ponds were gone. He'd lost them forever. The Angel had stolen them from him. It felt as though there were two cold, stone, dead weights in his chest where his hearts should have been. River glanced over and saw him sitting deathly still in his chair. She moved away from the console and touched his shoulder tentatively. "Doctor?" she asked. He didn't respond, but instead continued staring out into space.

"It's not fair," he said hoarsely after a few minutes in silence had passed. They were stupid words, he knew, stating what was already known by both of them.

"I know, my love," River answered, pushing her own pain to the side. He needed her more than she needed him right now. "The universe isn't fair. Trust me, I know."

"No," the Doctor said forcefully, standing up and shrugging her hand off. "No, you don't. You don't understand at all. You haven't been watching your friends die for over a thousand years, have you, River Song? Die, or be taken away from you forever, or forget you, or you have to leave them, or they leave you... Over and over again! And I have to watch it all because I outlive every one of them!" He was pacing around the console room in frustration, channeling all his pain and sadness and turning it into anger. Anger at the unfair universe he was cursed to live in and anger at the fact that his two hearts kept loving people. And who better to take it out on than River, the woman who caused him the most pain of them all? "Oh, it's all fun for a little while. Find a clever human and show them far-off galaxies and exciting times, live for the wonder on their faces. They become your best friend, or even sometimes more than a friend. But it ends, every single time! It ends too soon! River," the Doctor's voice cracked and he looked up at his wife helplessly. "Why does it always end?" River just bit her lip and shook her head, tears welling in her eyes, unable to answer. She hated seeing him like this. Seeing the man who so many feared and who had defeated so many more look so broken.

"I," the Doctor continued. "Am alone. My family is gone. My friends are gone. Everyone I love is _gone_."

"You have me," River blurted out, then immediately regretted it and felt horribly selfish as she saw the haunted look on the Doctor's face at her words.

"And for how long?" he demanded, stepping towards her. "Our timelines are in the wrong order, River. Who knows how much longer our time together will last before you have to go to the-" The Doctor cut off abruptly, looking guilty and not quite meeting her eyes.

"What?" River asked sharply. "Before I go where?" The Doctor shook his head.

"Spoilers," he replied, his voice devoid of emotion. It was cruel, River reflected, to hear the word that they always used so lightly, so teasingly, thrown back at her in such a seemingly dark way. She pressed her lips together, the gears in her mind racing as she tried to work out what he had been going to say, and more importantly, what it meant. It didn't take very much thought. All the pieces fit together, after all. The way he looked at her sometimes, as if she were a ghost he couldn't believe existed, or how his mood would occasionally drop around her and he'd look so awfully, awfully melancholy...

"Doctor, the first time you meet me," she began slowly. "Is that when I will-"  
"Don't say it. Please, please, don't," he begged. And then he grabbed River's face with his hands, crashing his lips onto hers, pouring all his emotions into her. She felt a cold feeling in her stomach as she realized this confirmed her guess, but chose to ignore it and flung her arms around his neck and kissed him back instead. It didn't start out awkward like most of their kisses did; No, it was fueled by burning passion from the beginning. Burning passion and something else that was much sadder, and harder to name. The kiss was a way to forget everything that was wrong and attempt something that felt right. And oh, did it feel right. Finally they broke apart, River sadly not possessing a respiratory bypass system as the Doctor did.

"Melody Pond," he breathed, resting his forehead on hers. "Mels, River Song, Doctor Song, Professor Song, whatever it is you go by, I love you. You are an amazing, brilliant woman, and I love you so much that it scares me. I kept from admitting it to myself for so long, but _I love you._ Being around you makes me wonder what it would be like to be normal and just be with you forever and have a family again and things. I've never admitted that, either, come to think of it. But our timestreams would never allow that. It's impossible. Absolutely impossible." River blinked furiously, trying to stop her tears from falling. He'd told her he loved her before, but never with such raw emotion. And he'd never, ever said those things about wanting to have a family and all that. He'd essentially just voiced the thoughts she tortured herself with on nights when she couldn't fall asleep. The what ifs. What if things were different? What if she blatantly ignored the possibility of a paradox and stayed with him? What if different decisions had been made?

"Stop it," she commanded, partly to herself as well. "Stop it right now. Don't you dare go on like this. There's no use being upset over things that can't be changed." The Doctor stared at her with dark eyes, breathing heavily, before turning his back on her and leaning over the control board, gripping it tight enough for his knuckles to turn white, head bowed, hair falling in his face.

"I just want to know," he said slowly. "Why is it me?"

"What?" River asked, taken off guard.

"Why is it me? Why am I the last Time Lord? Why did I have to cause the destruction of my own people? Why am I the one going through this all this agony again and again with no way out?" His voice, which had started out strong, broke. He turned back to face River, stepping closer and gently pushing her hair back from her face before leaning in and kissing her again, softly. "Why can't I have you?" he mumbled against her lips. His words cut her like a knife, and she meant to pull away but got lost in the kiss, melting against his body instead. The kiss was bittersweet, made of both love and sorrow. Suddenly she remembered what was going on and pulled back sharply.

"No," she gasped emphatically, feeling a little regretful when she saw his face. He looked dazed, and a bit like a puppy who'd just been shut outside in the rain, disappointed and confused at why his mistress had done such a thing.

"Listen to me, my love," she told him, in a gentler tone, reaching out and caressing his cheek tenderly. "I know it hurts. But you can't dwell on it. Everything- and everybody -comes to an end. You have to accept that. You had brilliant times with them, and not just Amy and Rory, but everybody you've traveled with. You did wonderful things with them all; saving lives and planets and races. It wasn't all for nothing. And-" she stopped, swallowing. "And I know what we have isn't perfect. It's messed up and wrong and cruel to both of us. But it's something, which is better than nothing. It's _us._" The Doctor closed his eyes briefly and placed his hand over River's.

"You're right," he mumbled. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You have no reason to apologize." The Doctor nodded and moved his hand, fiddling with one of her curls that had escaped, twirling it around his finger with his thumb.

"Everything has to end?" he asked, focusing on her curl instead of her face, sounding so much like a lost child instead of the powerful, ancient man he was.

"Well, not everything, I suppose," she reflected, changing her mind. His eyes flicked up to meet hers. She was smiling. Not a happy smile, not a sad smile, but something in between.

"Oh?"

"Love doesn't end. You'll never forget or stop loving any of the people you've lost." A ghost of a smile crossed the Doctor's face.

"Or you. I shan't ever forget you, Professor Song."

"Thank you."

"No, thank you."

"Whatever for, sweetie?" He considered this.

"Everything," he decided. River laughed. The Doctor was smiling for real now, not just at her laugh but at what she'd said before about love. He pulled her close to him, clutching her as close as to his body as he possibly could, seeking comfort in her warmth and trying to forget everything else in the universe, just for one moment, except her.

**Thank you so much for reading! Comments and reviews are greatly appreciated. Bye :)**


End file.
